I noticed that we had a lot of the same answers. But I am wondering, when do the French believe children transition into adulthood? When should the parents let their kids become more independent?

I also noticed that there were many shared responses between the American and French students. But it also seemed like the French had more responses about discipline, being just and authoritative, and about not spoiling the children. What type of discipline is common among French parents? What do the French think about corporeal punishment? Is discipline most often related to teaching good behavior, good character, good academic performance, etc.?

I feel that the american responses encouraged for parents to allow their children to be very individual, while remaining encouraging and loving. The small things and accountability were two things that were also not mentioned in the french responses. Does this go back to individualism as mentioned in the previous questionaire? Are american parents more likely to let their kids wander on their own? 

The french responses focused a lot on education. Is individuality and accountability any part of this education that is so strongly encouraged?

It's interesting that the French responses emphasize that a good parent helps the child attain a good adult life (whether that is through discipline, financial support, education, etc.). The good French parent should be attentive to their children, but I noticed that "love" is not a word that was used often.

In contrast, almost all of the American responses mention that the parent "loves" or "understands" the child as an individual. While there are also many responses that emphasize the role a good American parent plays in forming the development of the child, the parent's understanding and acceptance of the child seems much more important.

I wonder if this difference is related to larger differences in the two societies. America is supposed to be a country that embraces individualism, but this might lead to a greater anxiety about "fitting in" and the possibility of not being understood - an anxiety which is tempered by the understanding of the parent (hopefully). Do you think French children, and French people, worry about fitting in?

En réponse à QinQin, la majorité pour les jeunes français est fixée à 18 ans. Cependant, des textes de loi imposent aux parents de subvenir aux besoins de leurs enfants tant qu'ils ne sont pas autonomes financièrement.

Pour rester sur le plan purement financier, il est surement vrai que nous avons une vision différente de la période d'apprentissage. Des études supérieures en France ne coûtent pas excessivement cher (en restant dans le système public), et donc il nous parait "normal" que nos parents payent nos études.

Par rapport à tout ce qui est discipline, je pense (peut être à tord) que nos réponses révèlent plus notre expérience personnelle, et pas l'ensemble des foyers français. Nous avons probablement tous eu le même genre de contexte familial, avec des parents inculquant des valeurs à leurs enfants, ce qui n'est à mon avis pas le cas de toutes les familles.

Enfin, en ce qui concerne le fait que pratiquement aucune de nos réponses ne mentionne l'amour d'une famille, je suis aussi étonnée. Je pense qu'au moment de remplir le questionnaire, nous avons dû penser aux choses les moins évidentes, telles que l'éducation des enfants, et nous n'avons pas mentionné le fait que des parents parfaits devraient aimer leurs enfants.

En espérant avoir apporté quelques réponses...

Alexia, you said that you were also suprised about the lack of responses saying that parents should love their children. Is that just because you were all trying to think of less obvious answers or because there's a cultural difference here? 

I also noticed that the French mention "family" more than the Americans (3 times versus 1). Do you think this is just by chance or do French parents think more for the family rather than just for the child?

Do you think that might be because Americans are focused on individual success, so they pay more attention to their kids than the whole family because it's the kids who have potential?

Regarding the question of "love," Alexia, is it possible that you all assumed that all parents love their children, whereas "good" parents do something above and beyond this?

In a way, I found the emphasis on love in the American responses to suggest that there is a lot of uncertainty about love in American parent-child relationships and its qualities (in the "well-behaved forum" there is an interesting post about parents who depend emotionally on their children in a potentially negative way).

Comme je le disais dans mon précédent commentaire, je suppose que nous tenons l'amour de nos parents pour acquis, donc effectivement, à mon avis, l'amour n'apparait pas dans les réponses car tous les parents doivent aimer leurs enfants, et pas uniquement les "bons" parents... Comme l'a demandé Jennifer, je pense que des bons parents doivent non seulement aimer leurs enfants, mais faire encore plus pour eux (ce qui est précisé dans nos réponses).

Concernant la famille, je pense que cette notion est beaucoup plus importante en France que l'enfant seul, les frères et soeurs peuvent véritablement compter les uns sur les autres et beaucoup d'évènements réunissent la famille entière (un voyage pour les vacances, un repas de famille avec les grands parents une fois de temps en temps...). La famille représente une unité, et pas seulement un enfant avec un avenir.

I think this idea of the family as a unit (whole?) is really important, and very different. When I told an older friend about my experience in Lyon, where it seemed that many families got together on the weekend, she shuddered! In America many people find it impossible to imagine spending that much time with their family once they become adults. Personally, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that siblings often go to very different places for college, and later for jobs.

I've also had similar observations when it comes to American attitudes towards family reunions, and I think that it's definitely related in some way to Americans' stronger emphasis on individualism. Maybe because kids are almost encouraged, in some ways, to become different from who/what they grew up with, family reunions can be seen as less enjoyable because they see it as a return to what they tried to branch out from in the first place?

Also, I was intrigued by what Alexia wrote about French kids' financial independence and how it's considered normal for parents to support their children's college costs. This is really different from what I've seen in the US, and many of my friends are expected to support themselves, even as full-time students, either by applying for financial aid/scholarships or by working at the same time.

It's possible that French parents are less opposed to the idea of supporting their children because of the lower costs; what about French students who go abroad, especially to the US, where college probably seems astronomically expensive in comparison? Do their parents still pay for them? What about after graduation, when kids are usually expected to find their own jobs? If they run into financial problems later, do their parents still help them out, or do they have more of a "tough love" attitude?

I have noticed two major extremes of parenting philosophies, the (generic) American way of thought that children are inherently fragile. Their self-esteem must be protected, and things are never their fault. On the other hand, the (generic) Asian was of thought is that children are tough. They are able to achieve when you give them goals to attain, and they must be taught that less than their best is not good enough.

[I apologize if my diction case a light upon either philosophy; I was trying to present the two as objectively as possible, but certain words have connotations beyond what I desire. Also, these are sweeping generalizations, I realize, and do not reflect how I view the respective cultures.]

My question is this: How would you characterize French parenting philosophy on this spectrum?

The subject of extended families is an interesting one.  Do extended families tend to live near each other?  I grew up in California, but my grandparents and the rest of my extended family lived in Pennsylvania and Ohio, about a 6-hour plane flight away.  A lot of my friends growing up were in a similar situation. The US is big, and people tend to move around a lot, so lots of people end up far away from their extended family.

How often does a college student in France see their parents when in college?

Yeah, I think it's a very important point that US is so spread out it's really hard for people to be physically close to one another. And I think from this results that it is also hard to be emotionally close because of the distance. It's as thoough in France students were in Paris, but parents in Scottland, aunts in Italy, grand parents in Norway, etc...Would be really hard to all get together so it would be easy to lose connections...Seems unfortunate.

Actually, in response to Carlos' comment comparing American and Asian parenting styles - I think it's not so much a question of children's strength, but rather their inexperience and inclination. American parents seem content to tell their children to do their best and just trust that they want to do that and are actually doing it, then to help them cope when the kids see their limitations. I feel like Asian parents believe their children would play all day if they were allowed, and so should be taught self-discipline and self-motivation through pushing them to set the bar higher, at least when they're young, instead of trusting children to really know what "their best" is.

Based on my experience with Asian parents, I think that if they responded to this forum, a lot of them would have responses more similar to the French answers than to the American ones. What is the motivation behind the French responses about parents being fair, tough, and not spoiling their kids? Is it, as Carlos suggested, because they believe kids are tough, or because they believe kids are less disciplined?

Extended families presents an ideal for good parenting. A child may be able to observe his/her parents being respectful to his/her grandparents, and so mimic that good example. However this will prove bad if the parents do not set a good example, as is that case with in-laws most of the time. Indeed, extended families can put parents in difficult situation sometimes.

My question to the french students deals with disciplinary measures parents may take against their children. Is corporal punishment abolish at home, or in schools, or both, or not? Also, do french students get 'grounded' by their parents as a disciplinary measure, or is that an american thing?

Pour te répondre, Jonn-Ross, les punitions corporelles ne sont pas interdites (enfin tout dépend bien entendu de la violence de celles-ci) à la maison mais le sont à l'école. En effet, si un enseignant en viendrait à en venir aux mains durant un cours, il s'en mordrait les doigts ! Les parents iront certainement porter plainte et l'enseignant risquerait de perdre son travail (même si je ne connais pas forcément bien les risques qu'il peut encourir). C'est bien là une des difficultés pour un jeune professeur en collége qui doit réussir à garder le calme dans sa classe sans utiliser de sanctions physiques.

Je ne suis pas sûr de bien connaîte le sens de l'expression "to get grounded" mais je pense que cela désigne toutes les "sanctions durables" comme la privation de console de jeux durant une semaine ou le fait de devoir rester enfermer dans sa chambre ? Personnellement, mes parents n'ont jamais du utiliser de "punition corporelle" sur moi sans pour autant que je sois un ange mais j'ai été privé de sortie ou me suis fait confisquer mes douces consoles un grand nombre de fois !!

Yes to "get grounded" means to have certain rights or luxuries taken from you.  In the United States parents will often ground children for weeks or months (usually these times will include important events, like a birthday party, or a date) where the children are not allowed to go out with friends, or watch tv, or anything they may usually take for granted.

Effectivement, aucunes de nos réponses ne montre l'aspect aimant d'une relation entre les parents et les enfants.

Pour répondre à Anne Ye, je pense effectivement qu'il y a une part de l'éducation qui concerne la discipline, de devoir travailler durement. Je peux presque parler en mon nom puisque depuis peu je suis Oncle et par une situation assez bizarre doit souvent endosser le rôle de père et il m'arrive parfois de voir que malgré moi, je souhaiterais qu'elle grandisse plus rapidement pour pouvoir lui apprendre beaucoup de choses comme parler ... mais elle a 2 mois. Il y a un décalage entre la réalité et ce qu'on souhaiterait pour les enfants. Mon cas n'est pas isolé, il est fréquent de voir des parents parler entre eux et vanter les mérites de leurs enfants qui au final sont poussés par les parents dans une espèce de compétition.

Pour répondre à galina, les étudiants à l'université voient assez souvent leurs parents. Il est bien souvent simple pour un étudiant de trouver un établissement qui soit géographiquement près, les week-ends sont couramment le moment où ils peuvent se retrouver. 

Ma famille réside par exemple principalement en France, ce qui est plus simple pour les voir, même si mes grands parents se trouvent à l'autre bout du pays. Ma tante vit en Angleterre, je ne peux donc la voir qu'une à deux fois par ans. Mais mes parents vivent à 1h de l'établissement, il est donc pour moi extrêmement facile de les voir le week-end